Sammy Snape PI
by ChuckNorrisLlama
Summary: With her career going down the drain and her love life now at zip,Sammy Snape,Hogwarts Academey P.I has more things to worry about.With odd incidents,hotties and third floor weed, that bathroom stall isn't sounding sooo bad.....
1. Rent's due &Mystery Meat Mania

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What's a girl to do when your boyfriend cheats and your Private eye business is about to be shut down? Well, for me,I would run away and squeal like a piggy,But for Sammy Snape she takes it all in strides and gets to the bottom of the it,and with an annoying sidekick a smexy mysterious boy and a jock stupider than rocks you've got the makings of a super mystery,thiller story with a deadly overdose of comedy!

Warnings!!:there's beaucoup of slash and loads of stupidity!like..stupid!jock and Horny!men and mysterious!hot boy!wait...I already said that in the summary!ha ha i love my self!!

Disclaimer: I don't own harry potter or anything pertaining to the books only my peoples are my and even now i'm starting to think...

**Chapter 1, Rents due and mystery meat monday mania!!**

"Today's lunch is Mystery Meat Mania!"a hyper perky voice exclaimed over the static from an old P.A system,"hee hee hee!It's monday and today's lunch is mystery meat mania!mystery meat mania monday! yay!!"

I look up from my cluttered desk covered in beige folders and old Mountain Dew cans muttering,"wow you thank she was the offspring of a two year old!"

Well,starting the day off with mystery meat mania isn't a good thing in my frickin' book or,in that case anyones' books for the matter.let's face it when you get that slice of mixed meats pump with whatever drugs they use and it crawls off your plate,it's worse than bad, it's evil!Well, at least I sell my lunch.I'm Sammy Snape 17 year olds and a current Junior.I'm pretty short 5'2 and about 102lbs. long black hair and bright amber eyes. I get my eyes from my mother and my hair from my father.My father for the past two years has been acting really cheap and said I had to get a job for extra cash.I'm pretty damn good at sloving crap,so I started a school dective agency.I make about 300$ a month,enough for a 79' ford mustang convertable and this cool labtop and i play youtube all the time! I should you know look up important shit for my career but, let's face it internet is not for research,it's for funny movies!I should tell you about my school it self. Hogwarts Acadmey school is older than Shit from a T-Rex m'kay. I mean my great great grand pops went to this joint and that was like 300 years back.the head master is older than dirt and his sanity makes me wonder...alot. most of the teachers here are old and the young ones have like sand in their vaginas.they're so up tight.It looks like they ain't gettin some long time suki suki. The building is werid you got like seven floors and it's almost manor like,with the gothic theme exterior designs.though, the weid part is the thrid floor is always locked and no one is allowed in there.the headmaster said it's because of busted pipes and what not but, pops said that floors been locked up for years.Mom said the headmaster keeps pot in there,I ain't gonna peep around,yet...

Now i'm sitting in a hard wooden chair shuffling papers and tossing cans into a trash bag when the door to my tiny office brusted opened and in came the devil himself Mrs.Pince,school librarian, Just Llama F-ing shit!

"you lazy bum!!"the haggered lady hissed causing me to glare at her,Me? a lazy bum she looks like a bag lady!"your rent is due!"

"What! you crazy lady!I paid it last week,"I excalimed slamming my files down,"did you forget?"

"you owe me 50 bucks or else your gone!"Bag lady excalimed causing me to ground my teeth in pure anger,"and i want it at the end of the next week!"

Bag lady then stormed out the office and i threw an old can half full of mountain dew at door in frustation.The Fucking Hag!guess she needs the money for some more pot.I then sat down kicking the desk as hard as I could getting a stub toe and starting a new dance craze. Now I have to find a case or find a bathroom stall for my office _sigh..._just FUCKING great!Again with a bad monday.Mystery Meat Mania Monday!Damn you!!!!!

A/N:Well,My first Chapter!!More to come soon!No flames or I'll roundhouse kick you instead of leaving cookies!(and they're Sinckerdoodles!!)


	2. Yum Yum Puffs and no balls!

**Sammy Snape P.I **

**Chapter 2:Yum Yum Puffs and no Balls**

A/N: I need a beta...I'm using wordpad which sucks...sorrrrrryyyyy...If any one wants to sign up...Email Me-like...whenever...chuckkkkkkkkkkkk norrissssssssss...see my profile...hope you like me pic.Warnings and what not in the frist Chap.

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Now, I am not one of those people who like to keep their tempers in check for fear of inflicting damage on someone else or going to jail,I ilke to express myself freely and openly.Once I left my office for lunch I ran like a bat out of hell to the canteen of Hogwarts.The canteen was falling apart and the food is like toxic waste, not one for Hell's Kitchen.The lunch lines were bare to none from the Mystery Meat Terrorism so the tables that stood in the area were already full,save one though. 

Sitting at the table all by their lonesome was my terrible sidekick Nolan Weaesly.He's a 6'4 Football jock with long Dark red hair and a built figure.He has some of the greatest blue eyes known to man,(or jocks.)That's about all the positives about him.The dude is stupider than a bucket of rocks-no..forget that, rocks are smarter than him! You think with a body like that he would at least know SOMETHING!!

I walked over to the table and had to curl my mouth watching the idiot take out several slices of Mystery Meat,meat that tested -2 on the pH scale,(yikes!)

"Dosen't that burn the lining of anything in your body?"I asked wacthing in awe as meat dissapeared into thin lips,"I mean Nick the Nerd said that stuff could eat through five feet of titanium! Nolan, I think you should really stop eating your lunch,as a concern friend,"

The Dummy stopped,turned to look at me and then had big enough balls to continue eating the meat that should be illegal to even think about. I forgot,logic and reasoning is way past his Football Goal and maybe his solar system.So Plan 2: Think like a football jock with an I.Q that made rocks look smarter.

"Look Nolan, I got a packet of Yum Yum Puff in my locker, why don't you stop eating that so we can get your favorite snack," I said grabbing my messenger bag that had seen better days.Nolan stopped eating the meat and said,"I like Yum Yum Puffs,Where are they at?" The damn dummy just can't listen!!

I didn't say that out loud,I just said,"in my locker, how about we go now to get them so you can eat them before Fifth period?"

Nolan ate another slice of Mystery Meat,pushed the plate away from him and said,"okay,"getting up to follow me.Ahhhhh...the joys of having a helper who you can pay in Yum,Yum Puffs. one bag of those odd shaped treats pumped with fake flavors and colors and Nolan will follow you around like a sick puppy that could be a problem too sometimes,like when your about to bust the kid who for a small fee give all the answers to any school work and big lugs come right in the middle of it and ask for Yum ,F-ing ,Yum Puffs. In the end I get a borken nose while Nolan gets Yum Yum Puffs!

I mentally slap myself and thought,"calm down Sam,That was last week now it's this week gotta find me a case big time!"

"Nolan,"I started off in a serious voice,"we need to find a case or we'll be in the Girl's bathroom the week after next,do you have any good ideas?"

"Well,"Nolan said putting a finger to his temple in a gesture I hope that would make him remember something,ANYTHING!!at all,"Every Tuesday night,there'd be a trash bin full of stuff,and the next morning it would be all gone,Let's figure that case out!"

"YOU DUMB FART!!!THE GARBAGE MEN COME AND TAKE IT IN THE MORNING!!"I roared hitting Nolan in the back of the head,"OH let's get to the lockers."

The lockers were located on the Second floor in the school.Now, I haven't told you about the inside of Hoggie warts. The frist floor has the Canteen,The gym and the offices of the principals and other important people.I try to stay clear of the gym for dozens upon thousands of reasons. One, the gym teacher Madam Hooch takes steroids. she takes them in the girl's shower rooms because the mildew and fungus that live in there strive on 409and Tilex(1).Two!the gym floor is warped from an incident that had water,the headmaster and a billy goat,(don't ask me my mother told me this story.)Three! And This is a big one:It stinks smells like jock straps and nonsmexy sex! The list goes on and on but by the time were over it you'll want to stay blow the school up.So..word of advice..don't take gym,take up an outside sport for that credit!

The second floor houses the Locker and the Av area. the lockers are from the 1700's and they can be easily picked with a spoon.They are rusted from the inside out,and,locker #1234 houses a bat name Peeves.Peeves has been there for a long long long long long time,times Twenty to the kagillion power(2) The Av room is a haven for nerds and geeks who like to spy on the girls in the locker room changing area.they also wacth BBW porn!gross!!!how do i know?Well I went to the av room to kick a few nerds in the balls because they had a video of me peeing in the locker room's bathroom,(it was a 50 dollar bet well spent!)I walk into the back room of the AV room and see four gangly boys jacking off to Lola Love Metric Ton Lovin'!Ever since then the geeks haven't spied on me and I get to use their stuff for my enjoyment.

The ,forth and fifth floors are just class rooms,nothing special.The Sixth floor have the science labs which are closed down because of busted pipes,(headmaster don't ask..)the seventh floor has the media centerBooks Comps. my office,Bag Lady,you know that crap.And you know about the thrid Floor(cough..cough...POT!!...)

I was busy stuffing my binders into my locker when Nolan poke me in the ribs and said,"Sammy,isn't that Leopold with Frankie Thomas?"

My head spun around so fast that owls had nothing on me.Leopold and Frankie Thomas in the same phrase meant problems for me/

I turned to where Nolan pointed to and sure enough there was my boyfriend of three years, Leopold Zabini(sp?)

with the tounge of Hogwarts biggest Skank, Frankie Thomas,in his mouth.Three words:I SAW RED!!!

Before I knew it I was across the room in two strides grab the bastard by his long brown hair,and had planted my knee in his crocth so far up I felt his Pelvic bone.Now,Nolan may be stupid but he's smart enough to know some things.Like when I kneed Leopold in the balls,Nolan flinched and said,"Sammy,I think you kneed his balls permenatly in his bladder.Good.I hope it's very painful too. At that time Leopold let out a high pitched Screeh and fell to his knees.

Frankie tossed her long red mane back saying."Oh fuck off Snape,Me and Leo have been doing it behind you back for three years,Ohhh!!!that was the icing on the cinnabon! since she had no balls, I did the second best thing,I pounced on her like a rabid racoon.Nolan my be stupid,but,he's very strong.If it wasn't for Nolan, Leopold Zabini and,Frankie Thomas would be mincemeat by now! God damn you Nolan!!!

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A/N:That's chapter 2 it gives you an over view of hogwarts(or hoggie warts as Sammy would say,)and it tells you why her love life is zippo!!!R&R,and no flames or I'll roundhouse kick you!Today's cookies are Chocolate Chip! don't worry next chapter you'll see Sammy's parents and a hottie!(Now if you know who one of Sammy's caregiver is you get an extra cookie and if you can figure out both I think I'll give you a small one sided story about the borken nose and Yum Yum Puffs!) 

To my Reviewer fifespice: Merci Beaucoup Pour La Review! My very Frist one,and it was awesome!!!extra Sincker doodles!!!

Think you,

ChuckNorrisLlama


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